Hidden Scars
by Krazy4Kendall
Summary: Kendall is haunted by what his abusive father did to him as a child. He suffers from constant flashbacks and hears his father's voice in his head. So he resorts to cutting himself in an attempt to stop the pain of his past. Will his demons be too much for him to face? Will he ruin his future with his past? Character death, sexual references, and drinking involved.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_"You wuss! Where are you hiding?"_

Kendall could hear the hatred dripping off the voice. His heart started to beat faster in his chest, threatening to explode. He brought his head up and looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. His emerald green eyes held flecks of fear and his dirty blond hair was a sweaty mess on the top of his head.

_"You're such a coward!"_

Kendall closed his eyes, a pulse quickening through his eyelids. Why could he be left in peace? Why?

_"I'll never leave."_

If only the voices were outside his head. If only the voices didn't sound like his abusive father.

"GO AWAY!" he screamed, his eyes flying open.

With lightening quick speed, Kendall grabbed up the razor that was on the bathroom sink. It would be so fast; an instant relief from the voice in his head. Without a second thought Kendall turned on the razor and brought it toward his arm for the fifth time that day.

* * *

Kendall made sure that he washed out all of the blood from the sink before pulling his shirt sleeve down over the cuts. There was no need to let anyone know his secret. Taking a deep breath and making sure that all the evidence was gone, he walked out of the bathroom.

_"You fraud! Why even bother living? You're a worthless piece of trash!"_

Kendall never realized until then that even when your father was dead, his words could still sting with a freshness. His father had said awful things to him and now they played themselves on replay in his head. He had no way of shutting them off.

"Hey Kendall!" hollered James from the living room couch. "You're missing the action!"

Kendall lumbered over to where Logan, Carlos, and James were lounging on the couch, checking out what they were watching on the television. He saw this boy running away in fear as this shadow started to consume his form.

"I'll always find you..." hissed the person as the boy on the tv screen screamed.

Kendall was staring at the screen while his mind caused him to see a flashback.

_"Mom no. Don't leave me," whimpered Kendall._

_He had his hands pressed against the window glass and watched as his mother backed out of the driveway._

_"Get away from the window before you leave your nasty fingerprints all over it!"_

_Kendall felt someone grab him roughly by the shoulder and spin him around. He looked up terrified into the coal colored eyes of the monster; into the eyes of his father._

_"Chore time!" said his father in a sing song voice. "Your first job can be washing the window."_

_"But..."_

_"No buts! You're eight! You're plenty old enough!" snapped his father._

_"But I want to go play with James, Carlos, and Logan-"_

_"No!" stated his father._

_Kendall watched horrified as his father reached up and undid his belt. His father held the belt tight in his hands, ready to use it._

_"Don't make me whip you," threatened his father._

_Kendall took a deep breath. He had submitted to his father alot in his lifetime. It was time he stood up for himself._

_"Go ahead and whip me," said Kendall. "I'm not doing chores for you."_

_"Why you-"_

_A sharp smack hit Kendall's back so suddenly and with such force that tears of pain sprang out of his eyes. Kendall collapsed onto the floor and rolled into a ball._

_"How dare you defy me-"_

_Another sting._

_"-the very person that brought you into this world-"_

_Smack!_

_"-you worthless piece of crap!"_

_As the belt hit Kendall for the fourth time, he started to weep. He couldn't help it. He was afraid. Maybe this time his father wouldn't be able to hide the abuse he had made him suffer. Maybe this time his mom would know better. Kendall had never been brave enough to tell his mom before because he was threatened to be silenced if he did._

_"What do you have to say for yourself?" spit out his father towering over Kendall, the belt raised above his head again._

_"Stop..." whimpered Kendall, the pain engulfing him in fiery bursts. "Please..."_

_"Why look at you you coward! You're crying like a girl!" sneered his father._

_Kendall turned his eyes upward at his father; his vision blurred by the tears._

_"You probably want me to stop now, right?" asked his father._

_Kendall didn't say anything; the pain wouldn't let him._

_"Are you gonna do those chores then?" asked his father._

_Kendall shook his head "yes". He was too afraid, and in too much pain, to refuse._

_A malicious smile spread across his father's face._

_"Good. I'm glad to see that you aren't that stupid! I'll stop for now but this isn't over. You will never be able to escape me. You will always be under my control. I don't care if you hide in one of the four corners of the world. I will always find you..."_

_Another bite by the leather belt made Kendall lose consciousness._

"Seriously? That's how they are gonna end it?" exclaimed James in disbelief as they watched the credits for the movie scroll up the screen.

"I know," said Logan. "They never even revealed if the boy ever got saved from the monster!"

_"No,"_ thought Kendall, shivering at the flashback he just had. _"He never did."_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Alright. Take it again from the top," instructed Gustavo who was sitting outside the sound booth.

Kendall took a deep shaky breath. He had to focus on the lyrics sheet. His father was dead. He had to remember that.

_"You'll grow up to disappoint me."_

He's dead. Kendall had seen them bury him in the grave. He was no longer a bother to him.

_"I wish your mother had gotten an abortion."_

"Alright dogs. Start singing the chorus of 'We Are'," said Gustavo.

All four boys cleared their throats and started to sing. Kendall tried to listen to the words coming out of his mouth in an attempt to drown out his father's voice.

"We are alive and we are the light that's shining now. We are the reckless you can hear us drowning out the sound... "

_"An abortion is what should have happened to you! You're reckless and a disgrace."_

"...Young and dumb always chasing something. Hearts like drums you can hear us coming."

_"You need to stop hanging out with your friends. They are young and dumb! You'll just grow up to be more of a disappointment!"_

Kendall reached up and pulled the headphones off his head.

"Can I take a break?"

"Break? We just-"

"I'll be right back," said Kendall as he ran out of the sound booth.

He quickly ran into the bathroom and threw cold water onto his face. Maybe he should talk to his mom about what he was going through. He shouldn't be scared to now that he was dead. Kendall stared at his reflection in the mirror. But what if his Mom didn't believe him?

_Kendall was brushing his teeth, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He looked at his emerald eyes and smiled. He couldn't help it. He just felt so happy to be alive today._

_His father suddenly burst into the room and saw him smiling at his reflection._

_"You_ should _be happy with how you look," scoffed his father. _

_He walked over to Kendall and towered behind him._

_"You see that nose? You see those cheeks? Even those eyes?" asked his father._

_Kendall wasn't sure what his father was getting at, but he was terrified by the venom in his father's voice. His father gripped Kendall by his thin shoulders and bent over him._

_"Those parts of you Kendall come from me," said his father. "You look just as I did as a child."_

_Kendall held back a shiver. The smile he had on his face immediately dropped away. His father chuckled._

_"That's right Kendall. You're going to grow up to be just like your father."_

Kendall shook off the flashback. He couldn't be the same as his father. He wouldn't be. Maybe that's another reason why cutting helped him to drown out the pain. The scars made him look different from his father. The scars made him his own person.

Kendall had to keep from shaking as he pushed open various bathroom stalls in an attempt to find something to cut himself with. He had to be different than his father. He wouldn't be that monster.

As Kendall flung open a stall at the far end of the bathroom and went inside to lay claim to the pen he found on the floor, he heard James enter the bathroom.

"Kendall are you in here?" asked James.

_"Go away," _thought Kendall as he tried to break the pen in order to make it sharp.

"Kendall..."

Kendall knew that James was closing in on him. He quickly shoved the pen in his pocket. He'd wait until later. He had to. James suddenly walked into the stall.

"There you are Kendall. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," lied Kendall.

"You sure?" asked James skeptically.

"Yes," said Kendall.

He pushed past him and walked out the door. He needed a breather.

_"You will grow up to be just like your father."_

That was the phrase that haunted him the most. Kendall walked down the hall as fast as he could. He needed to take the rest of the day off. Gustavo would understand eventually. He'd be ticked off first, but then he'd understand. Hopefully.

Kendall walked to the parking garage and over to the big time rush mobile. The maroon convertible that Gustavo had bought them was their easy ticket to work when they didn't feel like taking a taxi or the bus. Now that they all had their driver's license they each had their own key to the car. Kendall knew that Logan, Carlos, and James would be mad at him for making them take an alternate way home, but he had to get away.

_"Yep. You're going to grow up to be just like me," said his father with pride._

_He looked at the look of horror now on Kendall's face._

_"What's wrong with you?" snapped his father._

_"I don't want to be you. I want to be me," said Kendall softly._

_That answer normally would earn Kendall a slap across the face, but his mother was still home. Instead his father bent down to whisper in his ear, "There's no hope for you. It's in your genes."_

Kendall shoved the key into the ignition, his hands shaking. Once he had managed to start the car, he floored it into reverse.

"Kendall! Stop!"

He could hear James yelling, but he couldn't stop. He needed to get away so he could cut himself in peace.

"Kendall!"

James's feet suddenly appeared into view in the rear view mirror as he jumped over the side of the car and landed in the backseat of the convertible. Kendall immediately slammed on the brake causing the car to skid to a quick stop.

"Get out of the car James," said Kendall looking at him sprawled across the backseat in the rear view mirror.

"No. Not until you tell me what has you so uptight," said James as he sat up and rubbed the back of his neck.

_"You lie," said Kendall as he met his father's evil gaze in the mirror._

_A smirk appeared on his father's face._

_"I lie? Boy are you screwed up in the head. I'm your blood. Why would I lie to you? Now your friends that you hang out with have more of a reason to lie to you than I do. They aren't your blood," said his father._

_"Stop it! Stop it!" screamed Kendall._

_"Kendall honey? Is everything okay?" his mother's voice called from the other room._

_Kendall desperately wanted to scream out no. His father shot him a frosty glare in the mirror. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Kendall replied, "I'm fine Mom."_

_"You'll pay for that outburst later today," hissed his father in his ear._

_His father released a hold of Kendall and walked toward the door. Before he exited the bathroom he turned to look at Kendall one more time and said, "Goodbye future me."_

"James, please," begged Kendall.

James reached a hand of concern out to Kendall. Kendall automatically shrugged it off James's hand off his shoulder.

"Get out James," said Kendall.

"Fine then. I'm calling your mother..."

"NO!" shouted out Kendall. He knew right then and there that he wasn't ready to have her know the truth about her husband. She had loved him and Kendall couldn't break her heart.

"Then let me stay with you," said James. "Tell me what's wrong."

_"Now your friends that you hang out with have more of a reason to lie to you than I do. They aren't your blood."_

Kendall looked at James and wondered if he would lie to him. Was he really concerned about his wellbeing?

"Please tell me," said James. "I care about you Kendall."

James's voice was filled to the brim with concern. Kendall shook his head clear. How could he think that James would lie to him? He was his friend. They had been through a lot together! He had to free himself of his father's thoughts.

"Fine," sighed Kendall. "If you must know what's eating at me it's my father."

"Oh," said James with a sigh. "You miss him? You want him back?"

"Yea," lied Kendall. _"I want him back so I can look him in the face and show him what he has done to me. I want him back so that I can show him that I'm not him. I want him back to show him that he broke me."_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Kendall stared down at his father's grave with a cold glare. No tears crept into the corners of his eyes as he stood there. James stood a little ways behind him with his arms crossed across his chest, not sure what to do with himself.

"Kendall, I really think you just need to let your father go already," said James.

Kendall continued staring at his father's gravestone, scanning his hardened emerald eyes across the carved letters.

Francis Albert Knight

June 12, 1970 - August 18, 2012

Beloved father and son.

Will be forever missed.

Kendall could feel a sob jump up into his throat when he read the last line. His father would not be missed; at least not by him. He felt like crying out in desperation. He wondered why no one else saw what a monster he was. Maybe if he had spoken out about the matter sooner he wouldn't be left with all this pain, even after his father's death.

"Seriously Kendall, you need to bury the past and move on to the present."

It was easy for James to say. He didn't have the same heart wrenching pain that Kendall had. Kendall turned around to face the brunette and saw that his face held traces of worry.

"Yea, okay. Maybe you're right James," said Kendall releasing a breath, trying to collect his rattled nerves.

The whole drive here Kendall had gripped the steering wheel in anxiety. He had swerved a couple of times on the road and James had to reach around him from the back to control the car. It wasn't Kendall's fault for having those horrifying flashbacks at bad times. He couldn't help it. He really wished he could.

"I am right dude. This isn't healthy," said James.

Kendall turned back to look over his shoulder at the gravestone and immediately became filled with an intense rage. His father had tortured him his whole life and even when he was dead, he still continued to. Before Kendall knew what he was doing, he punched the gravestone and immediately crumpled to the ground holding his fist in pain. The granite gravestone had cut open his fist allowing his scarlet blood to speckle the gray granite.

"Kendall!" exclaimed James as he rushed toward his friend. "What did you do that for? Are you okay?"

Kendall had tears running down his face at this point. He was just so broken and so tired of everything. He didn't know how much more he could take. James grabbed Kendall's bleeding knuckle.

"I think you need to get your knuckle checked out. It's bleeding pretty bad," commented James.

_"Not nearly as bad as my heart," _thought Kendall.

"Why did you punch your father's gravestone Kendall?" asked James as he helped Kendall to his feet.

Kendall wiped away the tears from his eyes with the back of his uninjured hand.

"Kendall, can't you confide in your best friend?" asked James. "I want to help. I really do."

_"Agh! Your friends are useless pieces of garbage!" exclaimed Kendall's father._

_Kendall winced as his father slammed the front door shut after Logan, Carlos, and James had left for the day. Kendall stared down at the blank wooden table trying to steady his heart beat. He was hoping his Mom would come running in to the room and stop his father before he got out of hand, but he knew that his Mom probably had the tv up too loud to hear anything._

_"What do you mean Dad?" asked Kendall._

_"They just wasted six hours of your existence and my time!" screamed out his father._

_"No they didn-"_

_"You realize someday that you'll never see them again, right?" asked Kendall's father interrupting Kendall mid sentence._

_Kendall didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say._

_Kendall's father approached him and then leaned on the table._

_"You have to count on your family to be there for you. Your friends will leave you alone someday," said his father in a deathly whisper. "Don't you trust me Kendall?"_

_Kendall still remained silent._

_That caused Kendall's father to lash out and slap him across the face. Kendall released a small cry of pain and toppled out of his chair onto the cold tile floor._

_"Why can' t you understand Kendall? I'm trying to help you. I want to help you. I really do."_

_"Lies," moaned Kendall in pain as another slap caused him to spiral into a fiery pain._

"Kendall. Kendall! Are you still there?" asked James shaking him by the shoulder.

Kendall snapped out of his flashback and looked at James. He really felt like he should confide in someone.

"James..."

But it was too scarring to push on someone else. He just couldn't do it.

James stared at Kendall as he stopped talking momentarily. Pain registered itself on James's face as he stared at Kendall's tear stained face.

"Come on. Let's go get your hand checked out. I'll drive," said James as he gently placed a hand over Kendall's shoulder and led him toward where the car was parked.

Kendall's heart ached worse than his hand did. At this point, Kendall was so haunted by his father's ghost that he just wanted to end everything; to stop the chaos. In that moment, Kendall felt like cutting himself.

Kendall yanked himself away from James and dug into his pocket for the pen that he had sharpened earlier in the bathroom stall and brought it up against his wrist. James reeled back in shock at Kendall's reaction and then when he saw what Kendall was about to do, horror registered itself on his face.

"Kendall dude. Don't do it! I don't know what's wrong with you, but don't do this," begged James as he stared at the broken image of his best friend.

"I need to James," said Kendall as his hand started to shake.

Kendall brought the sharp part of the pen near his wrist and slowly ran a line across it. Scarlet blood trickled from the wound coating his snow white skin crimson. James lurched forward in an attempt to grab the pen away from Kendall before he could do any further damage. Kendall pulled backward, trying to keep James away. James wasn't able to stop himself fast enough and tripped over the gravestone that Kendall had been standing in front of a moment ago. James landed on the ground on his back. He winced at the sharp shooting pain that devoured his spine.

Kendall loooked at James lying in pain on the ground and that's when it clicked in his mind. He had let the memory of his father haunt him for way too long and in doing so, he had allowed himself to hurt those he loved.

It was time for Kendall to do something about that.

At that point in his life, he felt it was time for him to die.


End file.
